The Downside of Love

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

    Someone told me that, "You're still young, you don't deserve to be hurt like this". And then it made me question the meaning of Love itself. What is Love?

For me, Love is not about people buying expensive things for each other. Love is not about sex. Love is not about showing our relationship in social media hoping that other will envy and put our relationship as their objective. Love is not about the specific roles of boyfriend or the girlfriend itself. No. So what is Love?

Love is when we cared about someone. Love is when we pour our 100% commitment to someone we love hoping that they will do the same. Love is when someone is the first thing we think in the morning and the last thing we think before we go to bed. Love is when we're busy with our daily life yet we still secretly make time reaching out for them. Love is when someone is so damn special for us, we feel the world is belong only to both of us. Can it be simple as that? No

Love has its downside too. The pain. The invisible wounds. The wounds that when you got hurt, you don't have the cure or the medicine for that specific wound, except time and patience. We may look happy and energetic on the outside, but on the inside, who knows? Who the fuck know what is going on in your heart. It may be sunshine on the outside but it's raining on the inside. We're responsible for our own heart, not anyone else. 

On my previous relationship, i secretly poured 100% commitment to my girlfriend hoping that she would do the same. I vowed to myself that i won't seek another heart to love and i was faithful to the only person i loved. I loved her dearly will all my heart with all my might. I always prayed every night hoping that she is the one. But turned out, she was not meant for me. We broke up and during that time, i died a little. She was everything for me. She wont even looking back at me and look me in the eyes as i looked how she walked away from me.

My heart shattered to pieces as i'm doing my best holding them together. I knew, my heart got hurt so much, it was all bandages and stitches in there. I expressed my feelings to many people yet no one would understand. No one will experience what i have experienced. No one give a fuck. That is the downside of Love.

Within a month, she had a new boyfriend. Kinda sucks but as long as she is happy, i am okay with it. At least that is what i told myself, "i am okay" but i am not. I am disappointed, hurt, mad, angry, sad and many more feelings that i cannot describe. Too many mixed feelings, i do not know what to feel anymore. But i have to move on and pray that i would be strong enough not to look back at the precious things that i have to left.

And she, i think i never crossed her mind like it used to and i am positive that she never miss me like she used to. And i don't think she miss our love or our miss our relationship at all. Kinda sad isn't it?

Of course, i gotta admit that sometimes i miss her . I miss her face. I miss our memories, our activities, our late night talks, our places that we dated together, our gossips and many more. But none of that matter as she replaced me so damn easily. Replaced our memories and her feeling so easily. Just like that (imagine me flicking my finger)

Then it occurred to me, maybe i am not good enough to make them stay. Maybe my effort is not enough to make other people love me dearly. Maybe i did something wrong that drives her to hate me that much? Is it hard to make people love us? But we know that we loved that one particular person so much, we still think about them after what they did to us. 

That is why when i see people got brokenhearted after a failed relationship, i tried my best to motivate them to move on and encourage them to forget everything. I tried to put myself in their shoes and think what should i do to get rid of all these? But some people mistook my honest intention with me taking advantage on them. We have to move on and forget about everything and seek new adventure, perhaps seek new love?

I promise myself that i will do better in my next relationship. I will work hard for my upcoming relationship and i am gonna make it work till the end. I will still pour my 100% commitment into my next relationship cause that is what it should be. I'm gonna love my next girlfriend dearly like i have never been hurt before.

P/S: to my ex, i hope that you're doing well, and i hope you're happy right now. All i could wish for is your happiness. I hope that you will live the life you always dreamed of, and if you cant, i will pray so you could achieve your dream life. I am sorry if i am not good enough for you to make you love me like he made you. I am sorry if my existence in your life was such a disturbance, but i want you to know that your existence in my life, was a blessing. This is me, signing off, from your life.

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